The new chapter in my life begins now.

A fresh start to life after school-ing, TIFF-ing and... old friends.

This week I have already had so many ideas and/or opportunities open up and it's only been the first week.  Now.. I need to be prayful of where God needs me to be.

HK?

New York City?

South Korea?

Toronto?

God, I am ready. Please lead me.

Did you ever wonder if your heart and your head could meet, not only to a compromise, but an equal factor on both sides?

When the heart hurts, the head wins.

What about if the head hurts, does the heart win?

I deleted him off my fb today. Off of my friends list and now, most likely, out of my life for good.  It's a weird feeling. I wouldn't think of deleting someone from my fb to be significant cuz I know I could just add them back. But it's different with him.  Rarely does he use it and, well... truthfully speaking, fb was my only source/link to him.  But... I should have known months before that it was no use to keep him on my fb list.  How could he be so cruel to let me hang there to dry? Thoughts of evilness come to mind, but yet... I can't seem to want to hurt him because I know that once I do, I want to protect him too.  It's a vicious cycle.  There was nothing on his part that showed that he cared for me... but rather this whole time, it's been me who has cared for him.  He's been polite and gentlemanly when it was appropriate, but he never went any further than that.  I should have known, shouldn't I? I want to blame myself for believing in him..... but the reality of it is harsh, on both sides.  I realize it was his way of rejection and the other reality is that perhaps God showed me plain and simple that he wasn't meant for me.

So why? Why can't these feelings dissipate? Why do they linger every single time I'm faced with him? I have nothing left to give and with this realization, I slowly lose hope in my future partner.  People like him drain me of my energy, time, kindness and love.  Will I have nothing left when I finally become happy with a man who deserves alll that I have to give to him?

I thought I waited well. I was always the picky one. I was... some might call a prude, but I was just cautious.  The world we live in tells us sex is normal and its fun and its okay to do it.... at any age. But... I know when one thing starts... the cycle will continue to move.. and it becomes never ending until it drains you out and there's nothing left.

I want everything in me to remain. I don't want to let myself be pulled into his games... or anyone else for that matter. I want to protect myself until I trust his love for me is true.  Am I asking for too much? So why?

Or no, I don't want to become an extremist and say that I will give up on everything... because that's just untrue. But I know that my path will be different. Even more cautious? Perhaps I'll give even more?

I hate this. I hate all of this. It hurts.... and it's not fair.

It's been almot 2 months since I last blogged here.

And boy, did a lot happen. First off, I went to Italy for 5 weeks. It was for UofT's Summer Abroad program. I did it to celebrate and finish my last credit by actually going to where all the art and architecture is that I've been studying about for the past three years.

The trip was amazing. It was my first time that I've ever been to Europe and it was the most memorable one. I got to live out my academic and personal dream.  I wanted to study the art there as well live like a local.  I cooked home-cooked meals in my rez and I got to do the regular/local grocery shopping.  I felt at home in Siena.  Also, it was my very first time living on my own (without the family) and I had my first roommate.  At times, things got a little complicated, but overall I would not trade these memories, these new friends, the issues for anything.  I learned a lot of myself and I learned about my bad and good quirks. I think God is just so perfect.  He makes life so... interesting.  Going his way is good, but it sure isn't boring. We have our natural sinful tendencies and by complicating those emotions and feelings with what God wants is just a ball of fury.  There's lots of hard decisions and struggles to choose God, but once you do, it's amazing the joy you can get from it.  Joy on earth is something I've thought should be normal, but it's not. It's special and it's unique.  Not having should be more of the way earth is... but with God by my side, I get to see the good and the bad but also, I get to revel in His goodness.

My emotions about the month of AUGUST 2009 is something I shall cherish till the day I die. Thanks to God, my sisters and my mom I was able to go.

God is good, all the time.

Today I type in the morning.

Good morning.

My weekend has been pretty good. I was very productive from last thursday to saturday. I actally got my butt to the UofT library, Robarts, and I studied with a friend. Later on, I went to the Y and played badminton.  So far this new 2-week membership to the Y has been very eventful.  Because I can't and don't like to play badminton alone (can you even do that? well.. not successfully anyways) I've been calling a whole bunch of ppl whom I know are badminton fans or have a pass to the Y. It's so nice that this membership of mine could help me be approachable to really old friends or to friends whom are more acquaintances.  In any case it's been fun.

However, it's sort of happening again.  My last badminton run, I played with my latest ex-crush.  It was a fast and short crush, so I don't try to think too much into it.  I stopped crushing on him immediately after I found out that he had a gf.  Right now, after talking with a friend about the situation (from my friends pov, it didn't look good that he went to play badminton with just me, alone together) her words are stinging me.  My intentions were totally pure and not twisted and yet... somehow, no matter how I shape my mind to be, I do feel it.. that horrible "other woman" kinda person.  I know I'm not her and I definitely didn't do anything to provoke it. However, I think there is a lingering feeling between us.. whether we admit or not. Sometimes I feel that he is especially considerate to me, although that day it was just us. Anyways, I think that these things can climax by the mere act of 'being together' in one place at the same time.  This is how bad things start. It's not whether you 'do' something about the situation, but by just bein in the situation you have already or can possibly start something that is not good. And... now as I write this, I don't like this and I feel ashamed.  Whenever something is 'not good', I always measure by God. What I mean by that is, when things -anything- is good then it is given by God. But... when it is 'not good' then I know that I shouldn't be doing it.  Not good doesn't mean bad or mischievious, but it means it's just not good. NOT GOOD.

K... so what do I do now?  He's started to like badminton and now that he knows I like it... how do I make it a 'good' situation?

Is it okay to not have things resolved and move on?

Will your non-closure heal in time?

There are so many things I wanna say to certain people but fear takes over. Fear of humilation, fear of rejection and fear of over-loving.  Caring is in my nature but my sensitivity blocks the good and turns it into selfishness. Am I in the wrong, to care and love but... with something to want in return?

I know it is. And now I see it. It's clear to me... now, I just pray that my heart will understand as my head does.

Loving someone is not selfish. It is selfless. It is patient and it is kind. Loving another -friend or romantic- means caring for them and their needs. Not my own.

My love turned dark and in return, I suffer in silence; never letting the others know in words how much I care and only showing them with actions, but without words to pair my actions, it is unclear as well and from that harm and bitterness become the center.

Teach me Lord to love you and your people whom you've put in my life.